Often, manipulators try one of two tactics, says Olson.
You notice the ‘foot-in-the-door’ and ‘door-in-the-face’ techniques Get the latest career, relationship and wellness advice to enrich your life: sign up for TIME’s Living newsletter. “It’s normal to reciprocate favors, but even when someone does one insincerely, we often still feel compelled to reciprocate and comply.”
“These tactics work because they abuse social norms,” says Olson. In a relationship, a partner might buy you flowers then request something in return. In fact, exploiting the norms and expectations of reciprocity is one of the most common forms of manipulation, says Jay Olson, a doctoral researcher studying manipulation at McGill University.Ī salesperson, for example, might make it seem like because he or she gave you a deal, you should buy the product. “But, on the other hand, with every good deed, there is a string attached-an expectation.” If you don’t meet the manipulator’s expectation, you will be made out to be ungrateful, Stines says. “It is very confusing because you don’t realize anything negative is going on,” she says. Nice Guy.’ This person might be helpful and do a lot of favors for other people. Stines refers to one type of manipulator as ‘Mr. “If there are strings attached, then manipulation is occurring.” “If a favor is not done for you just because, then it isn’t ‘for fun and for free,’” says Stines. “They don’t take responsibility.” There are strings attached If you’re being gaslighted, you might feel a false sense of guilt or defensiveness-like you failed completely or must have done something wrong when, in reality, that’s not the case, according to Stines. A manipulative person might twist what you say and make it about them, hijack the conversation or make you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you’re not quite sure you have, according to Stines. The term “gaslighting” is often used to identify manipulation that gets people to question themselves, their reality, memory or thoughts. Targets of this kind of manipulation often feel responsible for helping the victim by doing whatever they can to stop their suffering. But while manipulators often play the victim, the reality is that they are the ones who have caused the problem, she adds.Ī person who is targeted by manipulators who play the victim often try to help the manipulator in order to stop feeling guilty, Stines says. “The victim usually acts hurt,” Stine says. The victim engenders a feeling of guilt in their target. She points to two common manipulators: “the bully” and “the victim.” A bully makes you feel fearful and might use aggression, threats and intimidation to control you, she says. You might feel scared to do it, obligated to do it, or guilty about not doing it. “When you are being manipulated by someone you are being psychologically coerced into doing something you probably don’t really want to do,” she says. Manipulative behavior involves three factors, according to Stines: fear, obligation and guilt. Here, experts explain the telltale signs that you could be the subject of manipulation.